some of the notes are more visual than verbal, so I've scanned them and gathered them and posted them here.
The links above will take you to the transcriptions of notes to myself that I've collected over the past few years. My habit has been to jot down anything that seems important enough to try to remember, on whatever notecard or scrap of paper I have handy, and then put it in my pocket for safe keeping. Whenever my pocket gets too full, I take the papers out and put them into paper bags. When the bags fill up, I start a new one. These notes are presented here unedited ande in no order (other than the way they come out of the paper bags__ and even that has gotten a little confused). I've been gradually transcribing them as time allows You can also link to check out related drawings, or to read my blog.
This is a primarily self-serving section of this site and will probably not be of much interest to anybody but me. having these notes stored here provides me with ready accesss to them. My storage system of keeping them in the paper bags really didn't facillitate availability. my intention is to be able to refer to these and expand upon some of the themes suggested in them... we'll see how that goes. Some of the ideas relate to the 14 questions for eve paintings and some relate to the experiment into conventional lifestyle and other projects. I hope to get out of town in the spring (2006) and make some sense out of this stuff.
added November 22th, 2005 (the notes below duplicate page 9)
12/6/04
who could make up these colors (the scholars?) these shapes this ever-changing kaleidoscopic sky
as flame red sun sinks slowly
lowers cautiously into distant ocean horizon such soft muted, cool colors tonight against flaming disk and all blue/gray
now she’s gone
and the tide comes in breaking in a high spray against the rocks
low clouds/fog cover mountain peaks wouldn’t know that they were there if I didn’t know that they are.
we need multi person large paintings.
Begin a series of these.
look online for poses/theme.
Stood Mis
Most people are idiots
buy nothing new.
why do I wait for you, here? and why am I alone? and you too are alone why do we tolerate this?
I’m embarrassed of this. so silly, really embarrassed by this thing we all share in common. separated by a similarity that ought to bind us together.
fear enters my heart.
I’m learning this slowly how do the others do it? poorly? or does it come naturally? am I inept or setting sights too high? I see the sun and it descends to sink into ocean horizon beneath silvery clouds painted pink and peach like the distantly, but distinctly remembered salt flesh of your lips I once tasted so long ago.
when it comes to expressing emotions very little that we say is true. this is not necessarily because of intentional deception, but often is, but just as often (perhaps) it is simply that we misunderstand ourselves or understand but cannot speak or understand or, on the rare occasions when we understand ourselves and manage to put words to our feelings, we are most often misunderstood.
-the wonder is we get along at all.
tell me what.
don’t lie.
Art project - collecting all the people you’ve ever known in one room
smooth and, friendly, confident, trusting, open
fearless/courageous
suckers – waste your lives with work and struggle… I’m outta here, I wont play that game.
pedophiles are the new communists.
art project: bury cell phone-call it
don’t bother with lines in the right place.
boldness is more important.
immunity to unhappiness = highly conscious.
release yourself of all guilt.
-that is the answer to eve.
I forgive you and me. I am eve (and adam and snake).
want for nothing, because nothing will bring you happiness.
if happiness is found in something, and that something is lost, then so is the happiness.
true happiness only comes independent of material possessions-that includes others, and life, and body
you are not to whom you think you are-you are more.
existence (all experience) is only as hard as you choose for it to be.
google the phrase, “nothing real can be threatened.”
is that a quote? (It’s from A Course in Miracles Helen Schucman and William Thetford)
tolle tells me more about how humans in society struggle, than about the cure.
forgive and do not fear.
“how” is always more importance than the “what”
pain comes from desire/ambition
you are custodian of the matter and energy that courses through your body.
your individualism is the manifestation of consciousness mixed with your body/mind.
you are god (consciousness) aware of self through body/mind----self and time do not exist without body.
love is precisely non selfishness.
-non individualistic
-awareness of one s, unity/membership in the whole..
–seeing the connection, the beauty, god.
you are that which cannot be taken from you-you possess nothing outside of your self-even life and body.
susan watching the people waiting to be hugged.
remember to love
(remember to loaf)
youthful vision of adulthood imagines
that one arives and then acts-
not that one continuous learning, searching.
it’s not a question of selfishness or selflessness it’s a question of individuality or union in union the others interest/needs are your own and yours, hers in individuality you are alone with your needs.
the insignificance of the sun and solar system compared to a human lifetime
I betcha (a bitch) I don’t get any sleep tonight so I might as well not even try. I’ve already slept (atari slut) plenty for the whole weekend. I think I’ve used up all my sleep for awhile, but I’ll let you know how I feel in a couple hours. right now, I feel comfortably warm and wide awake, and sick and bored and lonely, like I seldom get-or notice anyway, when I do. that’s better, a bit cooler now - took off my knit cap and orange sweatshirt. silly obvious solution, you know. you feel warm-you take off some clothes. I had them on I guess, because a couple hours ago, I felt cold. figured that one out too. you feel cold – you put on clothes. I like these clothes so I miss them now that they’re off-but I do feel better. my head feels cooler, but still claustrophobically thick. thick like an overstuffed polyester pillow. I’ve got one here, I bought it for $3.99 a couple years ago. it works pretty well for propping up my head in the morning, but it’s worthless for sleeping, really. My other pillow has feathers in it. now that’s a good sleeping pillow, but not great for propping. it’s good to both kinds and I’m not complaining. doesn’t much matter tonight, because I betcha I don’t get any sleep.
The sweatshirt and the hat are over on the floor, by my shoes. I don’t miss the shoes so much, I’m not going anywhere and I bought ‘em myself-got a good deal on ‘em, $5 at gotta have it, and I like’m a lot, but don’t have much of an attachment to ‘em.
The hat and the sweatshirt though, I’m kinda lonely (cattle lowing) without them. There’s something assuring,warm and protective, about a hat and sweatshirt. They’re both orange, and I like orange, not so much to wear as to look at, but wearing it is ok too. Anya knit (do I need) that cap for me and gave it to me last christmas. I sometimes wonder what she thought and how she felt while she knit (needed) it. susan gave me the sweatshirt, she had had made special-nobody else has one like it. she gave it to me on my birthday along with a platter filled with 40 doughnuts, all kinds of doughnuts; glazed, frosted, filled-some had sprinkles, some didn’t.
dov stopped over bourbon and water flowed with the conversation loves lost and found were reminisced why live like we do? we asked what becomes of us as this time flies so quickly past?
I’ve been sick all day Woke with whirling vertiginous fever Boiling my brow to an inflamed and throbbing thickness a functionless shell, symptomatic of sickness how do I live these days?
it’s the middle of the night and I’m insane I’ve got caffeine and anya on my brain
I just can’t sleep or eat or think am I just on edge? or am I on the brink?
I don’t know why I’ve fallen in love with you I’ve tried to deny it but we know it’s true.
no rhymes-just tell it
I just wish that you loved me don’t know what it’ll take to make you see.
how can I heal myself of this love I feel?
I’m sorry my dear I tried and I tried to keep from loving you or at least, to keep it inside.
I woke up at 3:17 lay there until 4:00 a.m. just thinking of you.
here’s the catch:
respecting you and your friendship required that I keep my feelings to myself___ yet to be a true friend, Imust not hide my feelings from you… must respect your ability to handle it.
pierre loti - the marriage of loyalty
what canya do about anya when all she wants is a friend? can you be a friend to anya yet hope for love and the end?
I’ve got no choice in the matter these feelings aren’t ruled by my brain I can try to control these emotions but the effort will drive me insane.
Tell me what canya do about anya That hasn’t already been done?
I don’t want to coerce my anya I don’t want to force her to see I simply want her to see it and choose for herself, to love me
some fall asleep some fall in love when angels fall they fall from above
it’s easy I hear as falling off a log
icarus fell when he flew to high he fell to the sea, though I don’t know why. his father flew the middle path so he avoided that salty bath.
It’s autumn now and they call that fall because the leaves fall down or not at all I can see the moon ‘though I’m not that tall but she doesn’t hear me when I howl my call
I’ve fallen for you from a lover’s leap I’ve fallen like icarus (a curse) into the deep I’ve climbed so high, this mountain steep And I’ve fallen back down, yet I do not weep But I just can’t seem to fall back asleep.
I know what to do about anya, I’ve known it all along You can’t win a girl with silence You have to sing her a song
(I won’t ever win her with silence I’ll have to sing her a song)
I’ve tried and I’ve tried to conceal it to keep this love I feel hidden but it’s silly to make the effort ‘cuz, really who do I think that I’m kiddin?
what canya do about anya when she’s told you she doesn’t want love? you can’t do a thing about anya that doesn’t involve a small shove.
write story about a guy who single-handedly overthrows the government.
the only way to choose is arbitrarily. when you’re ready it will work-might not last of course
homelessness (all this mess) without insanity is the way to go.
I have lost my faith and love I’ve lost my faith in infatuation. perhaps I should strive to regain it.
I can do anything I want to do. there are no rules except those I choose to follow.
the whole story is really just depicting characters-everything that occurs depicts the characters.
being awake-aware conscious has to do with empathy connection with the external world observation/participation
I am Arthur. I am odysseus__ I find upon my return to ithica that it has prospered in my absence, but has now fallen into disrepair. (venice)
I have escaped from circe (gerri) but I am still trapped even though I have finally returned home (farquhar)
there is no escaping death.
the prison protects me like armor, I retreat to society and become aware of my walls of safety and confinement.
I escaped but then found that my escape was illusion.
we live in confinement which we can release ourselves from, but even that confines us within another confinement so. we must be aware of our prison, but upon our escape we discover a new prison.
-mortality -lotus eater -story of an hour
arthur, merlin, odysseus
actually have matt fly-use the fantastic
tell different versions simultaneously/overlapping
genesis connection with man (adam) been given the dominion over animals and plants-but what of outside the garden?
I forget the freedom that accompanies the detachments of being a stranger traveling in a city.
land ethic-leopold
notes on nash:
page 11 people fear the wilderness pan/panic
two meanings for wilderness one inhospitable alien mysterious threaten to beautiful friendly capable of elevating and delight and the holder wild country as sanctuary from civilization and its pressures
expelled from a garden sent into wilderness
man’s struggle to turn the wilderness back into a garden
what of industry etc.?
the old book to chapter 3 (joel 2:3)
eden is hebrew for delights azazel arch devil of wilderness-where scapegoat goes - page 15
usufruct page 105-
george perkins marsh-man and nature; new york 1864-104 and 105.
it’s not the we must transcend nature (thoreau) it’s simply that we must acknowledge our own perceptive abilities.
-page 97 thomas cole ȁ we are still in eden; the wall that shuts is out of the garden is our own ignorance and folly.
there is no justification for misery self-imposed---- it is natural to lift ourselves out of misery--pleasure is good.
nash pages 252 and 253-interesting stuff about gary snyder and his vision.
-page 123-only slackers or sinners approach nature without ax or plow-ethics of hard work
mistrust anybody who feels driven by some of moral urge, manifest destiny, divine calling, etc.. to spread their way of life to others through some forcible action-american west, nazi germany, western consumerism.
aldo leopold
members not masters of the life community. –page 389 reread the epilogue.
nash-olmstead page 106 “ philosophical defense of scenic beauty.”
beauty in general, necessity of beauty.
1865 advising report on yosemite for california legislature.
far too often our cultural stories are based on a good versus evil-that is the religion of the past that must be put down-page 77 j f. cooper
wilderness- thoreau said is “ a civilization other than our own” nash page 390 and nash rights of nature page 37 return to that civilization, humans in nature.
now that civilization has overcome wilderness we must relinquish the illusion of control and give our environment its self will again-full circle-page 23 and 24
compare iraqi insurgents and our depiction of them and “ terrorists” with the colonial and frontier accounts of indians/indian raids, etc..
the gift was the state from the escape from the garden, the forced separation from the overly safe and protected.
it was squandered in our attempt to recreate our own garden. Which effort got lost by forgetting our intent and leaning toward material industry.
the very thing that makes me want to kiss you is the thing that makes me resist
to kiss I must not concern myself with your feelings, wishes, desires but only my own, and yet my love requires that I consider yours.
gruesome purity
lucy body art dream
tsunami victims
intolerable routine
love is interpersonal gravity holding us as separate planets together grounding us connecting us this gravity grows stronger the closer we are
suicide
for no reason
out of the blue
maybe I was right when I was young no discretion no boundaries no barriers just love
it’s silly
I talk a lot because
of my fear of
being misunderstood
yet the more I talk
the more misunderstood
I become.
we live in a selfish world
amidst emotional poverty
wealth is necessary for generosity
emotional wealth
love is generosity
fulfilling the needs of another
love is prioritizing the needs of another, the intermingling of needs
I am surrounded by these suburban slaves. they believe the lies of their oppressors. “on’t believe the lives,” I say.
what are you afraid of?
they’re going to misunderstand you anyway, so do what you like.
heartache
believe
what’s in it for me?
what’s in it for you knew?
what’s in it for us?
decide arbitrarily
risk fucking up
it’s better to fuck up than not fuck at all.
some are looking for the right one some are looking to make the right one by developing a relationship.
some expect and accept the immediate and don’t imagine more.
for four years I’ve been prioritizing relationship over love now it’s time to reverse that.
11/21
floating above ocean’s horizon drum circle keeping beat I stare at yellow ball glowing hot into cool ocean horizon I stare too long and see green ghost halo
I like the sun sets on these chilly nights after a rain.
wind blowing the blue gray billowing clouds around. sand whipping against my face. golden light, tracing the edge of dark cloud.
don’t do that; this phone vibrates, dad.
4:47 internet look up time.
someone’s in the kitchen with dinah (dying) die now when you blow your horn
grace 1/5/04 it’s the apple that will feed somalia.
still not free
lost interest
I believe fast, medium
the sky looks so big when there are clouds off in the distance.
I’ve been working on the railroad.
straight out from breakwater rocks 11/20
what a surprise it was cold pink blue sky a with heavy hanging gray clouds everything dull, and haze surrounding mountains
as I walked by graffiti wall and then I couldn’t believe what I was seeing, it couldn’t be what it appeared, but it was- glowing, huge ball crucible liquid orange just touching toes and then slowly sinking into ocean.
I don’t know anything.
“people are stupid” t-shirt
favors must be encouraged.
tell me something I don’t know.
living within our global means - that is the key to global wealth.
the dishonesty is driving me crazy-that’s insanity no, that’s humanity
lindsay’s rock band-silent Velcro
my new year’s was boring because my mom (mind) changed the channel right before the ball dropped.
